Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
