this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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