do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
