He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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