i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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