This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
