Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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