My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wish you could order shots online.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
