I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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