margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
