what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
no, he came in my armpit
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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