i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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