A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
