Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
