"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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