The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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