Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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