U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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