allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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