toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
All the doctor said was why
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
