1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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