I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
