I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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