She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
