I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
