I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
