Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
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She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
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Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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