I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
