I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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