Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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