There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Im part way to drunk.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
