Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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