I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
