I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
