I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He passed out mid-signature
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
