She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
