drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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