My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
