I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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