Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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