Please, let me fuck your mom
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
