Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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