its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
