I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
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I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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