for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
