Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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