3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
