I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
