Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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