How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
