Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
