So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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