You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
