I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wish they made helmets for livers.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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