Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
