you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
