Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
