I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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