My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
