Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
