Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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