wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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