I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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