I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
